Various funnies

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he
tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my
God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter,"
she said "Just get out."


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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card
with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the
optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God,"
said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay".

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO
MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said
be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a
couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what
it feels like when I'm driving."

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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James , a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him
a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his
second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army
dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a
jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.